Looking Back...Moving Forward...Lessons Learned

In 1985 I was working for Family Tree, a family child care network that was a division of Archway Programs in Atco. In my Director's role, I recruited and trained those who chose to do child care in their homes. I also met with families who were looking for child care and sent them to the provider's homes. We made matches that worked for everyone. So why am I sharing this history with you now? It is a look into the past that came to light again this week in the present and from which I learned some valuable lessons that affirmed my value and the relationships that are built and can be enduring.
The picture at the top? Only a connection to the story in a vague way - and let's call it Literacy. Of course it is with a young one reading a book!! I got my latest edition of a journal, Young Children, from the National Association for the Education of Young Children. AS I glanced through the table of contents, I recognized a name and when I turned to the article, it was my former colleague who was one of the coauthors! What a sense of pride I felt to see how she had grown and changed and how much she had accomplished in the years since we first met. Her name is Cindy Becker and she teaches (again for an Archway Program - how ironic) and coauthored an article on Dual Language Learning. I wrote to the email address and we connected. Then we were going to listen to a singer songwriter at a coffee house near her and she and the provider I introduced her to, were to meet me there after they went to a movie. We went, they came and we talked. What is the lesson learned from it all? For me, it was twofold:
1. I had known that Cindy and Bette would hit it off and sent her there for child care. Twenty years later, their lives parallel in many ways and they are still best of friends.
2. I learned that I was a direct link to Bette's getting a job as a teacher in the public school system. Did I remember? Not necessarily so, but she did!
I would close this by affirming both Cindy Becker and Bette Newsham for their successes, their relationships and for keeping their light for children and families shining.
I would also close with a message to me - the person who always wonders if she 'does enough'. You never know what impact you have on a person's life, so engage in the dance, value them and always look for their strengths. Lesson learned.

"Touchis" are Friend Makers

I would bet that some of you are "old enough" to remember when Alvin Freed created Warm Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies oh so many years ago?? They were the cutest orange pom poms with eyes that moved about and feelers too - well, I call them feelers and they were meant to make you feel GOOD! The warm fuzzies made Frozs (non sexist frogs) turn back into Prinzs (non sexist prince and princesses) after the 'mean' people made them feel less than ok. Thus his book..."I'm OK. You're OK".
Since he created them, for DARE to AFFIRM, we have "Touchis". They are a play on words - get it? Touch is and 'touchis'. Since we are all about responsive respectful relationships, it is only natural to give these to folks who come to spend time with us to thank them, affirm them, and remind them to catch someone doing something right.
Years ago (more than 10!!) when I started working at a Head Start program, I did a training for the bus drivers and other support staff. Why do I bring this up now??? Well, there was this 20 year old young man in the group - he made deliveries for the agency. At the end of the workshop, he got a light blue 'fuzzie'and for two years, kept it in his pocket and played with it when he felt 'frozzie'. I left but who knows if he still had it longer?
See, you never know what effect your words or actions have on someone, so pay attention, watch how you relate and spread the goodness that makes the world still a special place.
This picture with the two yellow touchis? Still giving them out and spreading the word. After all, isn't this all about DARE to AFFIRM? This time it was at Read Aloud Delaware conference on Saturday. Great day; great attendance and soon, I will introduce you to a special person - our hostess Denise.

The Leader of the Team

It's the most special thing to have utmost confidence in the person who is going to cut up your body and make repairs to it. When I first met Dr. Joe Daniel, he was there to care from the beginning. He is thorough, takes time to explain and look at pictures together and always says "If you were my sister, here is what I would advise!" Yesterday was no different. I was anxious to see how the healing from the surgery was going and we discovered together that it was going well. Personally, I thought it was gross looking and wondered, but since he was pleased, well...that' s what it takes. So without a doubt, if you ever need to have someone care for your foot/ankle (and he specializes in diabetes foot problems) go to UMDNJ and meet Dr. Daniel. I did and don't have a moment of regret - ok, maybe some pain now, but no regret. I value him!! It certainly doesn't hurt that he tells me I am an 'interesting' woman!! Now does that mean ME or the foot?!?

Take My Hand and I Will Guide YOU!!

Today is my Mother's birthday and soon the anniversary of her death. I remember her...but more than that, today I want to honor everyone who is a parent or works with very young children to guide their lives. ALWAYS know that YOU are important in their lives. See, we don't know the impact we have on a young one's life. Something we do or say might affect them and will be remembered...or applied...later. That's not the important thing. What is 'perfect' is that we are there for the children; we are there to laugh and play and hug and DANCE. Yes, dance with them as we develop the relationships. Sometimes we just watch and listen...sometimes we lead, but we are always partners. As we begin the New Year of 2009, let us continue to make the very young our priority. We know so much more about them now - how they learn, what affects and influences them...and how important we are to them. Peace and blessings to all.

A Giant Treasure in My Life!!

Sometimes we take things for granted, and then there are times when something happens and we learn all over again to appreciate what is near and dear to our heart. See, this is all about affirming people and catching them doing something right?!? On 12/12 I had surgery on my foot. It has been an experience - a lesson in patience and healing, and a time to learn to let others nurture me - the nurturer!! I came home with crutches - and put them aside after a terrible fall five minutes into the house. This guy went to Good Will and found me a walker! He loves to find treasures there. Then he has been fixing meals and bringing them up to me. He is learning how to make all kinds of things and have them ready at about the 'right' time to serve everything together. He has been good spirited, caring and concerned. Then when I thought the walker might be ready to be set aside, well Thrift Village had a cane with feet!! This has been a gradual healing and a giant lesson in patience. If it weren't for my Billy - my husband of 37 years, this would have been even a bigger challenge than it might have been. So, my DARE to AFFIRM today is a GIANT THANK YOU to my gentle spirited husband!! And my message to all of you is to understand that it is ok to trust your care to another, have gratitude for the little things, and count every blessing that comes your way. Happy New Year to all of my friends!!

Reflect on This

Thanks to Paul Zollo, a Flickr photo friend who often posts pictures of amazing people who have stories to share, though they don't often know it. When Paul put one on the web tonight, he had a story with this quote. I just wanted to share it because it is so 'dare to affirmish'
He was writing about a guy with a very 'strong' presence, who was also small in stature. didn't matter...and this is what he said...

I could see how personal presence is not determined by size but by spirit and confidence, and I took this.

It is a lesson for all of us. It is our way of presenting ourselves, our personal presence, that makes all the difference in the world!!

It's How It Makes Us Feel!!

Writing in yellow today because this is a 'bright sunshiny' thought!! I had to share an experience that happened to me the other day. No need to say where or when, just that it was 'good'. Remember we are always saying that it is not what you say but how you make the person feel that is important? Well, we were at an event with a group of people, all known to us. Today for some reason, there was more of a conversation flow and overall, a pleasant atmosphere - 'guests' in someone's house. Just as we were leaving, I was saying good-bye and I heard this comment, quietly directed at me, "I really like how your hair looks!" Now you might think this was not a big deal. Trust me, it was and it was happening to me and it did do a lot to make me feel good - noticed - affirmed - and brought a peaceful ending to the day! I was affirmed as I do unto others, and it felt good!!

Affirming INDIVIDUALITY and AUTHENTICITY

Yesterday we visited our niece at Goucher College in Towson, Maryland. Walking around campus, I was intrigued by the students and their dress. One of the special adventures of higher education, especially at small private colleges, is the journey to discovering self. The young adult is away from home and learning the responsibilities that independence and thinking on her own can bring, can shed who she was and become whoever she chooses to be!! It's a time to truly get comfortable in her skin and know her unique individuality. When we talk about the ten elements of relationship building, Authenticity is one of the factors. It's all about being genuine.
In her book, Life Lessons, Elisabeth Kubler Ross talks about authenticity. "Deep inside of us, we know there is someone we were meant to be. And we can feel when we're becoming that person. We seek to discover who we are and how we can become truly happy. We were put here on earth to learn our own lessons."
Today I choose to affirm Aileen, a junior at Goucher College, who dares to affirm the individual she is and live an authentic life. When I showed a European friend these pictures, he wanted to know if she was dressed for a festival? I said that no, she was dressed for her life for the day and loving every minute of it.
Now, I am thinking about that bag of ties upstairs in my 'project' closet. Hmmmmm.
My message to you...it is important to BE who you are meant to be, express yourself as the unique individual you are, and live life to the fullest. Remember, TODAY is the gift of the precious present!

Gil & Curtis Sail the Seas

His hat is soooooooo the opposite of everything that Gil is! We went sailing on the AJ Meerwald out of Bi-Valve, NJ for a six hour cruise on the Delaware Bay the other day. The day was one that we would have to call 'perfect' - clear, sunny, the right temperatures and the excitement of the expectations of what we might see or do while out on the quiet of the Bay. For one thing, we knew we would be seeing lighthouses that could not be seen from land! Great expectations. For me, as The Photo Schmoozer who likes to 'catch people doing something right', there is always yet another expectation though. I wonder who I will meet and what stories they will have to share. Today was no exception!! Well, ok I admit that I can find stories everyday!! As we were waiting to get on the boat, I saw three people sitting on the bench on the dock. Later, I happened to be sitting next to the female of the group - she had forgotten her seasick medicine so we were just being still together. Soon, she was joined by Gil, her fiance, and Curtis, Gil's little brother from the Big Brothers program. It's Gil I want to affirm because he is so opposite of the hat he was wearing - see the saying on the collage?? "The beatings will continue until morale improves". No way was that him!! First, I have to say, I watched him with Curtis and you could see a caring connection between the two. Turns out they have a 5 year history together. When Gil comes aboard the AJ Meerwald as a volunteer, Curtis is right there with him, working by his side hoisting the sails, taking pictures, or snoozing on the deck!
As we talked, I asked Gil what he did. He shared that he is Executive Director of a Community Health Care agency in South Jersey. I was wearing my DARE to AFFIRM shirt, so we talked about what that was and then Gil began to share his philosophies as the leader of his program. The first thing I have to share is THAT HE REALLY LISTENS!! People talk about an 'open door policy', but his truly is. He goes to staff meetings, meets with all of his managers weekly, and nips problems in the bud by encouraing everyone to be involved in solving them together. I asked if he had always been such an affirming individual? He didn't answer right away, but after reflection, we came together a bit later for another conversation. His experiences in Peace Corp and his degree in Cultural Anthropology plus the wisdom he has gained from life, are some of the other puzzle pieces that make Gil open to people, cultures, values and beliefs. He respects them and in turn, engenders so much respect from all of the employees at the 20+ clinics that serve the working poor. He is amazing; his staff recognize him as such, and his fiance', Betty, loves to spend her time validating him as well! I learned almost as much from her as from him!! Yes, we saw the lighthouses and I came home with some photographs of them, but the experience of meeting Gil, Curtis and Betty was a special event of the cruise.

Play With Me Daddy!!

On a beautiful afternoon, we went to sit by the river, enjoy the beautiful day and just BE. One of my favorite things to do at these times is watch the children and their parents, watch how they 'dance', watch their interactions. Today was no different. This pair was a joy and a treat and 'candy' for my eyes. He was responsive, respectful and allowed her to take the lead with his careful guidance. When I went to say "Hi" - often a treat for me, she hid her face and turned away from me. Dad said, "She is not feeling well today." OK, I respected that and walked away, to watch them from afar. They sat on the bench to snuggle, then wandered down to the river for a change of pace. He was right there, yet allowed her to pick up the stones and throw them into the water. (Gosh, no one I see on the beach at the river - a beach with lots of pebbles - does not throw them into the water. Fascinating.) When she was tired and clung to his leg, he picked her up and quietly talked with her. When she wanted down, he did so and was close by when she wanted to cling to his leg. He watched her, asked what she wanted and adapted his behaviors to make her most secure in her world. He was responsive and she was trusting. Beautiful. At the end of our visit, I asked him if he realized what a great dad he was. He looked at me and grinned! He knew. I definitely caught him doing something right!! YEAH!!

Ten Elements of Relationship Building

"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges."
This photo I took causes me to pause and reflect about the relationship of the two in the picture and what lies ahead for them as they walk the path of life.
In so much of the work we do with DARE to AFFIRM, we have come to discover that at the heart of living is Relationship Building. When I read books about 'aging well', those who live to be 100+ wake up in the morning with a purpose and look forward to spending time with friends, family & self.
We also know this truth and wisdom : "Have no friends not equal to yourself". We seek to internalize what Francoise de la Rochefoucauld tells us, "If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere."
We have designed a series of workshops around the D.A.R.E. theme (read about them on our website www.daretoaffim.com ). At the heart of all of them are the Ten Basic Elements of Relationship Buildilng. When I go out and about and 'become" The Photo Schmoozer, I have come to realize that I am building a relationship with another person. I know that DARE to AFFIRM is the philosophy that guides me. Photo Schmoozer is my special way of putting it all into action. I struggled with which one was 'more important' to me and came to realize that it is not an either choice, but a relationship in iteself. We have created the Ten Elements of Relationship Building. As the weeks go by, I will write about each of them. The first one is TRUST. Many of you know the psychologist, Erik Erikson. He tells us that the infant must learn to trust her world or she will live with mistrust the rest of her days. It is how relationships begin. Some people trust others right away; others say a person must earn trust.
It must be managed carefully. I think the simplest way to do this is to be trustworthy!! If you always do what you say you are going to do, it makes your behavior predictable and I can feel safe around you.
There are many ways to build Trust. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Do no harm and demonstrate that you care about people.
2. Always keep your promises.
3. Always tell the truth and actively maintain your reputation for integrity.
Our society teaches us to be unique, independent individuals. Sometimes, that might work. Sometimes, we need to focus more on being interdependent. As the saying goes, "We may not have it all together; but together we have it all." We talk about our strengths and recognizing other's strengths. Recognizing, respecting and valuing others is a way to be more effective in reaching goals that work for all of us. It is the best way to be responsive and dance through life!!
In the weeks that follow, we will share the other elements of relationship building. Until then, look at youself and your relationships and see how you make trust work for you!!

We ALL Wear Many Hats...

We recently spent three entire days with an infant/toddler staff in Somerset, NJ.
It was a treasure, a pleasure and a challenge. We all learned and grew. We go as facilitators, knowing that we bring a "plan", ideas, acitivities and materials and also knowing that we have to be incredible listeners - open to responding to the cues that come from the participants. See, once again, this is a Parallel Process and we have to "dance" - not only to our own tune, but to the music that comes from the group.
We talked about quality and then needed everyone to really think about ALL of the roles they played - both in the child care program - and in their lives. What fun they all had making and modeling hats (we had a fashion show when we were finished) to show who they were and how they were important...and unique.
We all spent time in their classrooms, learned about the ITERS, and ended up our time together with some action steps for continuous growth. These six individuals came together and began forming as a team. They had not had the opportunity to do this, so we were glad that not only did we get to know them, but they got to begin knowing and understanding each other more.
Everyone caught everyone else doing some things right and for that we are thankful!!

Who are YOU? What do YOU Believe?

LEARNING WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU BELIEVE TAKES TIME, PATIENCE & GOING WITHIN TO LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!!

REFLECT; BE STILL; GO WITHIN; RESPECT; TRUST; LISTEN; AFFIRM

"Every single adult, whether conscious of it or not, has an overarching theory that drives hiw or her childrearing practices. This organizing - or "meta" theory greatly influences how each of us relates to and cares for children". J.R. Lally, Concepts for Care, West Ed, (c) 2006

When you were young, you developed relationships with your parents and other family members. They influenced who you were and what you believed. Then you went to school and learned from your peers and teachers more about who you were in the bigger world and were told what you were to believe. Hopefully by this point in your life and professional development, you have taken all of this information and put it together to create your own ideas!! This is NOT about only sharing the words that you have learned from others, but it is about YOU and your own personal beliefs. Take a minute and reflect on these questions:

What do you know about how the young children in your care grow & develop?

What do you believe about how they must be treated for them to grow into healthy individuals with a strong sense of identity?

How do you use these beliefs to build relationships and dance with children & adults in your life?

When Allison and I do training we work not only to present information but to CREATE AN UNDERSTANDING OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHY YOU DO WHAT YOU DO. YOU, the caregiving adult, are at the heart of quality care and we choose to always respect, affirm, value and nurture YOU. Do you take the time to do that for yourself??

Spanish...French...English

Outside of Borders in Stanton, DE, carrying books to show to anyone who would listen, was the cutest two year old you would want to see. He was dressed in a NY Yankees outfit, complete with buttons that looked like baseballs. His shoes has velcro closures and these too were like the binding on the seams of the baseball. I couldn't help but notice him. "Hey good looking," I said to him. He immediately began to point to the buttons on his outfit and talk to me in a language that only he could understand. I responded to what I thought he might be saying and he continued. My first instinct was to be concerned that his language expression was anything but clear. His mom was standing nearby, and she explained so much to me. It made me realize that we often see or hear and jump to conclusions. What is the truth is this. In the home they speak Spanish and French to the little guy and some English as well. He can jump back and forth between them all often using words from any of the 3 languages. She said he was speaking "Spanglish" to me. When I realized that, I said a few words to him in Spanish. It was about Mickey, Minnie and Goofy on the cover of the book he was carrying. We immediately began to understand each other in Spanish and his language was clearly understandable. I asked his mom if she was at home with him or if he attended child care. I was curious what his language would be like in that situation and how everyone communicated. No, she was a stay at home mom, lucky to be with him. So, I saw a first hand demonstration of what I mostly read - young children and their dual language learning. I read that if one parent speaks in one language and the other parent in the other language, the child will understand and speak both. Yes, it is true from first hand exprience.
I write this today to recognize the lesson I learned about not "assuming" and also about the comfort and openness of his mom as she talked with me about her son and what he was doing. All it takes is an opening statement, affirmations and time to listen.