Parenting Perspectives

When I am out in restaurants, it is always eye opening to watch families with their children. A few days ago, I was in a Bob Evans family restaurant in Frederic, Maryland doing just that- observing families and their relationships. I want to share two families that were there and their approaches to guiding their children's behaviors They definitely illustrate two very different styles of interacting with their children.

The first family, a mom and dad and their two boys - James (3) and Joseph (1 1/2) were sitting across from us. James was active and curious. Dad was holding Joseph to keep him occupied. No was paying attention to James, so he did what he knew best - acted out in little ways to get the attention he needed and his little brother was getting. When they did notice something, their voices were reprimanding and loud. Hmmmmmmmm...who controlled the situation? Nothing that James did was right! "James stop that! Sit still. Eat your food or you don't get your ice cream. James you are not listening. When we get home, I am taking away Barney, your new car, the truck Santa brought."..and the list went on. He was not in a win-win situation and I could see that this was a pattern. As they were getting ready to leave, James went to the coat rack and hid his face in the coat. This could have been a cute moment and a spontaneous "where is James"? but what did dad do? He grabbed James' arm and said, "Get out of there. You know better!" Well, they were on their way home.

Enter another family - a mom and dad and their two boys - 5 and 9. From the second they were brought to the booth behind us, I knew that I would be seeing a different kind of experience. Dad suggested that they take off their jackets and showed them where to hang them. Then there was a brief discussion of who would sit with mom...and who with dad. Once they sat down, dad started discussing the menu and choices with the younger boy. He was allowed to pick what he wanted to eat. The older boy was deeply engrossed in a conversation with mom about what he was reading on the menu and what he would have. There was a gentle banter of conversation among the four of them and laughter as well. When I was getting ready to leave, I felt the need to stop and talk to this family. I shared my thoughts with mom and dad about the ways they talked with their boys, how they gave them choices and how their tone of voice sounded gentle and understanding to me. They just looked at me in amazement. WHY? I had caught them doing something right and shared what I saw with them! It makes them feel good to be noticed for what they do naturally, and it makes me feel good to share how I catch them doing something right!

This affirmed several things for me:

1. There are parents who "get it" and know how to respect and engage their children. We need to acknowledge and praise the job they are doing and share with the children how lucky they are to have such wonderful parents.

2. There are parents who just don't "get it" and were probably raised by the same kind of parents - and how are we going to reach them so that James can develop a sense of identity that he is a "good" boy rahter than the message that he is always "bad".

It's More Blessed To Give Than Receive

With Christmas just around the corner, I have been reflecting on what it all means and how this winter holiday got so commercialized. When I was growing up, and when I was raising my children, it was about giving to others in some way. You spent your time and your energy - money was not important. The idea, as I understood it, was to go outside of yourself and reach out to another person. To give from the heart.
When my children were young, I helped them learn this concept by having them make gifts for our friends and family members. the two older boys, now in their 30s, remember the kitchen stools they made for those shorter members of the family who could not reach that top shelf or kitchen cabinet without some supportive height. I remember my daughter (the lovely young woman in the picture with me)- much younger than her brothers - meticulously drawing designs on the soon to be personalized stationery and envelopes. There were a variety of flavored popcorns, yummy, gooey Christmas cookies, burning carved name plaques and glittery coffee can pencil holders. All of these gifts were made with plenty of sweat, laughter and yes, tears@@ They were made with tender love and care and...from the heart!! Even the hand-painted ornaments were a hit!
So as the celebration of Christ's birth grows near, remember that this is a time of giving - NOT what you are going to get or for making long lists for Santa or going to the mall. I keep remembering what is dancing in my head and heart. IT IS MORE BLESSED TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE. Touch someone's heart this holiday season by giving a simple gift made with love from your creative hands.
Peace to all and a Happy New Year 2008. Love, Allison

RELATE in Northern Delaware

In the Winter of 2007, the first pilot class for RELATE began its Relationship Building Journey together. This group of eight unique individuals were truly involved in the creation and revisions of the curriculum. They were not "shy" about offering their suggestions for change - and they were listened to, valued and affirmed. There were center directors, infant/toddler teachers and a family child care provider in the group - all eager to learn to dance, discover their strengths and develop more of an UNDERSTANDING of what they did every day with children and families. They developed strong relationships with each other and with us as facilitators, and we know that they continue to maintain those contacts as time goes on. There are always many unwritten objectives that can't be immediately measured as a group grows together. The growth continues for a lifetime. We value the journey.

RELATE: The Journey to Quality in Infant/Toddler Care

RELATE: The Journey to Quality in Infant/Toddler Care is a 60 hour curriculum created for center-based and family child care providers in Delaware. It's all about Building Relationships and listening to ALL of the voices. It is about creating an UNDERSTANDING in providers about what they are doing. It is about EMPOWERING them to discover their strengths, believe in their professionalism, find their voice, and realize the impact they have on children, families and the greater community.
RELATE utilized The Program for Infant Toddler Caregivers (PITC http://www.pitc.org/) key concepts and its relationship based approach as a solid foundation for curriculum development.
These unique individuals from Sussex County, DE, were a pilot group in the Spring of 2007. They were motivated, excited and learned so much about themselves and the children and families with whom they worked. Allison and I valued, appreciated and affirmed them - we showed them what they knew already - and then how to enhance this learning. Everyone finished the class with new friends, new knowledge and an expanded sense of self. YEAH TEAM!!

Acknowledging Anna Scovell

Anna Scovell - Reflective and Responsive

A True Friend and Support for Dare to Affirm!

It was early on a sunny morning at the beach. Anna and I were sitting and watching the ocean and the beach- waves, tides,movement and stillness. It was peaceful - no words necessary - a time to reflect on who we are and what each of us offers to those around us.
Anna is the Supervisor for the Sussex County Parents as Teachers program. In her position, she works with a variety of unique individuals - her Educators. They in turn serve children and families. She meets individually with each of her Educators for reflective supervision time discussing their time with families, how they have shared and how everyone has grown from the experience. She was sharing a reflective supervision experience from the previous day with me, and as a thought crossed her mind, she picked up her cell phone to call the Educator to "check in".
The call was gracious, warm and affirming. They talked about the previous day's supervision which was a bit out of the ordinary, and Anna thanked her Educator for being flexible within the experience. It was a short conversation, but one that would be remembered and that valued the person at the other end of the line.
Anna does this all of the time with her staff, colleagues, friends and family.
She is a leader, a student, and a mentor and realizes that each of her roles has an element of reciprocal motivation. She dances through her days, always pausing to reflect on what happened and what could be polished for the next time. She shows her sincerity and her passion for people as she communicates in words and actions - or silence.
Those of us who dance in and out of relationships with Anna Scovell are honored.

Rachel Fisher Goes the Extra Miles

Last night Rachel Fisher of Arlington, VA, shared an empowering story. It was sent on to us and we want to "catch Rachel doing something right" - in fact many things. Thanks Rachel for being who you are and having such a positive effect on the world.
Rachel is a public school biology teacher. One of the students in her class, let's call him Thomas, has learning disabilities and is challenged academically. He tries really hard in class...does all of his assignments, and helps her and others with everything. He stays late to do things, is positive and helps with clean up in the labs.
Rachel gives bonus tickets to kids when they do those things, so although Thomas got a D- in his studies, she gave him a B- in the class for his motivation and for all of the effort he put into trying. She believes that this has helped him do even BETTER academically now and HIS PARENTS ARE HELPING HIM MORE. Rachel gave Thomas the encouragement he needed to excel in biology and his parents learned from her. How Cool is That?
See, the "catch them doing something right" message has a domino effect.

Degrees...or not...Appreciating the Caregiver

Every morning Exchange Every Day (www.ccie.com/eed) has a quote and message waiting in mailboxes all over the world. Today, the information shared results of a recent study conducted by the University of Texas Health Science Center. Their research, as commented on by Susan Landry "is to come up with a model that gets the job done until we reach the day when we have the right kinds of salaries and the right workforce".
This continues to add fuel to the "fire"-the debate about formal education as an imperative in creating a qualified workforce. While we agree coursework and degrees are an important piece of creating the best and most highly qualified teacher/caregiver with young children, we have seen evidence over the years that there are other components that must be included in this model!! We need to be creative about how we design the most effective approach to "grow" the most highly qualified teachers/caregivers.
In my mailbox this morning was also information from the Institute of Heart Math (http://www.heartmath.com/ ) that included the following quote:
"Appreciation is one of the most powerful core feelings of all. When applied sincerely, it rapidly brings about a quick attitude adjustment and perception shift.
What needs to be included in the model to create the person who is most highly qualified to guide, nurture, and facilitate the learning of our youngest children? What must we do to build a strong foundation in these individuals so that they will build a strong foundation in children? (The parallel process in play again)
1. The person must discover his/her strengths and how to use them most effectively. How can this best be done?
2. The person must understand that s/he is valued and affirmed in the role of teacher/facilitator.
Do we all remember to "Catch them doing something RIGHT" every day? If not, how can this be done?
3. The person must understand his/her value as a leader AND as a follower in the "Dance of Relationships". If s/he has the strength to lead a project, go for it! and if not, honor the other person's strength and be their follower. How can this be done?
4. The person must know and respect those with whom s/he works, valuing relationship building as a core to team building. How can this be nurtured?
5. The person must know and respect the children's families, including them on the caring, learning team. How can this be encouraged?
6. The person must engage in continuous learning through formal education or high quality community based training. (Do the trainers have the degrees we are asking the teachers to have?) How can this be supported both financially and with release time to do the work?
7. The person must look to others around her and engage in mentor/coach relationships as tools for learning and growing. How can this be done?
8. I know this is not in any way a complete list, and I would value your input and dialogue to make this list grow.
Respond here or write to us at catchthemright@aol.com
We care about our children...and we care about those who guide and nurture them. Let's dare to think outside of the box and really move forward in making changes!
"We might not have it all together, but together we have it all". Let's live those words!!

ASTEROIDS...Natural treats for the Holidays

One of my favorite connections is to go to Christina Pirello's cooking classes and demonstrations with my friend Lois Brown, a hypnotherapist and massage therapist from the Princeton, NJ area. Last week we went to Whole Foods in Marlton - if you haven't been there...consider a trip!! Nothing in the store has high fructose corn syrup and other non-natural ingredients...hence their name!!
I want to share a favorite recipe...ASTEROIDS. They are fun to make and so full of Teachable Moments for adults and children alike. They start out with fairly solid ingredients, are cooked together and become liquid and then harden back into a solid! The process of rolling them into balls - a fun and sticky mess - is a cooking time for everyone to share - lots of fun, laughter and mess! Isn't that how we learn best. Here's the recipe...so simple

1 cup brown rice syrup
1 cup almond butter
1 cup grain sweetened non-dairy chocolate chips
3 cups crispy brown rice cereal
In a large saucepan, heat rice syrup and almond butter until creamy. Stir in chocolate chips until they melt. Remove from heat and stir in crispy rice until well-incorporated. Roll these into 2 inch balls (keep a small bowl of water close by so you can keep your hands moist to accept the sticky goop!) For those who would love the treat but not the mess, you can press the cooked ingredients into a shallow, square casserole dish, set until firm and cut into squares before serving.
TRY THEM. YOU WILL BE HOOKED!! And they are all natural (no, that doesn't mean that they don't have calories, but they don't have the simple sugars)

The Synchronicity of Friendships

About 7 years ago, I read an article in a magazine called Synchronicity and Leadership written by an early childhood administrator from Boston. Immediately - yes it was synchronicity, I wrote back to him and our friendship and caring has blossomed over the years. He just sent the following message:

Martie,

I am so impressed with your new site. Congratulations and much success. You are the living proof of believing in oneself. This site would not exist without your positive belief system and peseverance.

As a man who entered this field nearly 40 years ago (and has loved every second of it since!!), I have always felt that "power" in our EEC world needs to be thought of from the "feminine" side or perspective...i.e. as the power of attraction based on relationships, spirituality, caring and possibilities. Our field is 98% female and I for one have learned so much about the "yin" way of power...trusting in the intuitive and holistic to direct and guide from within. I think the world could use a really good dose of that right now.

If I had a wish, I would hope that the "power from within" that you write about would bring/attract the right people, the right information, the right actions to each and everyone of us in order that each of us might help "right" the world in the most profound and powerful way imaginable. Children and families all over the globe empowered need to be true to themselves and one another. And it all begins with the caregivers, educators and nurturers of young children being caught in the act modeling the way.

Thanks, Martie, for your good heart and powerful actions that are helping to make this a reality.

Best. Jim Robertson, Boston, MA

Angels in Our Lives

Tonight I heard from Judie, the director at Twin Creeks Head Start in Titusville, PA. I was there a few years ago for a Head Start PRISM program review and brought home some very special friends. The connections have remained strong. Tomorrow they are welcoming a new team for a review - Judie's first as HS Director. We send our blessings for a postive week where the program will be caught doing things right!!

I always remember the conversations I had with the staff about how they recognized individuals. It happened every day, but they decided to do something special in the Spring.
Angel awards: I wanted to share with you the concept of angel awards that their program gave at their annual staff appreciation luncheon. They wanted to recognize the positive unique qualitities that people contribute to the program. They believe that each of us has had an "angel" or two pass through his/her life and these helpers have made their jobs a little easier.

Someone asked what would happen if a person did not get an angel award. Judie's response - so typical of her, "I'm not worried about having an award for each person. We are going to have so many for each person that we will need to decide which one to honor...and we did!!"

The angel award certificate reads: Angel Award: presented in recognition of the time when you walked softly into someone's life and left a lasting impression."

Thanks to Judie and the staff at Twin Creeks for sharing and caring.

We have had guesses about the perfect toy...silly putty, a ball... No one has it yet! What about your ideas? Read the description again and think about it.
We have a special gift for the first correct answer!!
Write to us catchthemright@aol.com

Building TRUST...

In this Holiday season, I have been thinking lots about gratitude and my friends and family. I realize that these relationships are treasures in my life that have been developed by building TRUST and it takes time. No one ever said it would be simple. The more I discover my own strengths and the more comfortable I feel in my "skin", the more love is in my heart...and the stronger my relationships become. I affirm and value people!!

Erik Erikson, in his writing about the Eight Ages of Man, described stages of human growth - and how each one of these must be successfully negotiated before we can move on to the next. If it does not happen, in some ways, we are "stuck" there. When I first read Erikson, I thought that the issue of trust vs. mistrust was what babies needed to develop in their first year or two of life. True as that is, as I get older and hopefully wiser, I have come to realize that anytime we enter into any new relationship, we are beginning with the "baby" stage and must learn to trust.

Think about people who don't have many successful relationships - or abused or neglected children who have never been responded to. They just don't know that their world is OK. They don't know that when they need something, a trusted caregiver will be there for them. We have a lot of work to do with our children. They come into the world ready to learn...and vulnerable. When we respond to them, they learn that we...and the world are ok...and they become secure and trust their world. When we don't...well...and we need to work on this with each other as well. You will hear us talking about the PARALLEL PROCESS a lot. Do unto others as you want others to do unto others.

One more point about relationships...and what Allison and I refer to in our work as "the dance". A colleague once said to me that relationships are not all about the dance. How wrong she was. See, I never to said to her that two people always dance in step. Relationships are always a dance but sometimes we just don't hear the same music or move to the same beat. There is the challenge. It is about respecting and listening and learning to move with the other person.

I have a dance partner in DARE to AFFIRM and I treasure her, yet Allison and I are still listening and learning each other's beat. That is what makes life special.

What tips do you have to share about trusting yourself and others in relationships? Write to us. catchthemright@aol.com

The Perfect Toy

What is the most wonderful toy for young children - in fact for "children" of all ages?
It is all purpose and marvelously versatile. it is familiar, yet changing;
Full of surprises! It is adaptable but unyielding, and quite capable of reassurance.
It is composed of soft and hard as well as sparkling and dull materials.
It is complicated.
It is a machine for bouncing, fully equipped with an intricate sound mechanism.
Every child needs at least one.
WHAT IS IT??
Can you guess? Send us your responses at catchthemright@aol.com
Allison and I take at least one of these every time we do any type of presentation.
It creates a fun atmosphere and makes our time together well spent.

New Found Confidence

Susan Fox Hirschman, a potter in Annadale, VA, shared this terrific story - the result of her naturally powerful teaching style as she engaged in private lessons with a young student.
"I got an incredibly moving phone message when I arrived home today. It was from the mom of one of my pottery students. Carol shared that her daughter Samantha's art teacher had seen a NEW YOUNG LADY this school year - full of confidence and a new desire to do art. Carol said she knows why. She knew that the private pottery lessons built self-confidence in Samantha because as her teacher, I told her that EVERYTHING WAS POSSIBLE and everything she did was wonderful!! I could focus on her and she was proud. There were no comparisons with other students...no feelings of 'not good enough' . By the time she came to pick up her final work 8 sessions later, she was so confident and proud...such a metamorphosis took place here. What an affirmation for me to hear this message about what I do naturally - engaging my students and believing in them. I let them know 'there are no mistakes'! All she needed was some supportive positive feedback to feel her worth and value. Samantha blossomed where she was planted! We never truly know the impact of our words and actions on others."
Thanks Susan for sharing your DARE to AFFIRM story with me! I know others will value it. Send us your stories like Susan did, so we can share your successes catchthemright@aol.com

Believing in SELF

Personal Power
Sounds wonderful no?
But what is this power?
Who does it belong to?
And how does it happen?
Is it for you?
Is it for me?
Is it for everyone?
Do we all have it?
YES...IF we believe we do!!
We can come to know what power truly means
And how it belongs to everyone of us...
Each in our own very own unique and different ways
It is gentle
And affirming, giving us strength and value
It is Power WITHIN...not control over someone else.
And what magnificent happenings can come of recognizing and respecting our own power...and that of others?
PEACE
UNDERSTANDING
CARING
COMPASSION
And change -
Change in life and how people relate to each other
Change in how we see ourselves
Change in how we see others
and change in how we value and understand each other.
Who benefits?
WE ALL DO!!
DARE to AFFIRM and recognize your personal power!
You will be glad you did...And so will those in your world!!
Written by Martie
How do you recognize and use your personal power?
E-mail to: catchthemright@aol.com

Nurturing the Nurturer

Do you nurture YOU? How do you do this?
If you don't care for yourself, how can you then
be strong to care for others?
Share these tips with others and we will post them:
catchthemright@aol.com