Parenting Perspectives

When I am out in restaurants, it is always eye opening to watch families with their children. A few days ago, I was in a Bob Evans family restaurant in Frederic, Maryland doing just that- observing families and their relationships. I want to share two families that were there and their approaches to guiding their children's behaviors They definitely illustrate two very different styles of interacting with their children.

The first family, a mom and dad and their two boys - James (3) and Joseph (1 1/2) were sitting across from us. James was active and curious. Dad was holding Joseph to keep him occupied. No was paying attention to James, so he did what he knew best - acted out in little ways to get the attention he needed and his little brother was getting. When they did notice something, their voices were reprimanding and loud. Hmmmmmmmm...who controlled the situation? Nothing that James did was right! "James stop that! Sit still. Eat your food or you don't get your ice cream. James you are not listening. When we get home, I am taking away Barney, your new car, the truck Santa brought."..and the list went on. He was not in a win-win situation and I could see that this was a pattern. As they were getting ready to leave, James went to the coat rack and hid his face in the coat. This could have been a cute moment and a spontaneous "where is James"? but what did dad do? He grabbed James' arm and said, "Get out of there. You know better!" Well, they were on their way home.

Enter another family - a mom and dad and their two boys - 5 and 9. From the second they were brought to the booth behind us, I knew that I would be seeing a different kind of experience. Dad suggested that they take off their jackets and showed them where to hang them. Then there was a brief discussion of who would sit with mom...and who with dad. Once they sat down, dad started discussing the menu and choices with the younger boy. He was allowed to pick what he wanted to eat. The older boy was deeply engrossed in a conversation with mom about what he was reading on the menu and what he would have. There was a gentle banter of conversation among the four of them and laughter as well. When I was getting ready to leave, I felt the need to stop and talk to this family. I shared my thoughts with mom and dad about the ways they talked with their boys, how they gave them choices and how their tone of voice sounded gentle and understanding to me. They just looked at me in amazement. WHY? I had caught them doing something right and shared what I saw with them! It makes them feel good to be noticed for what they do naturally, and it makes me feel good to share how I catch them doing something right!

This affirmed several things for me:

1. There are parents who "get it" and know how to respect and engage their children. We need to acknowledge and praise the job they are doing and share with the children how lucky they are to have such wonderful parents.

2. There are parents who just don't "get it" and were probably raised by the same kind of parents - and how are we going to reach them so that James can develop a sense of identity that he is a "good" boy rahter than the message that he is always "bad".