Ten Elements of Relationship Building

"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges."
This photo I took causes me to pause and reflect about the relationship of the two in the picture and what lies ahead for them as they walk the path of life.
In so much of the work we do with DARE to AFFIRM, we have come to discover that at the heart of living is Relationship Building. When I read books about 'aging well', those who live to be 100+ wake up in the morning with a purpose and look forward to spending time with friends, family & self.
We also know this truth and wisdom : "Have no friends not equal to yourself". We seek to internalize what Francoise de la Rochefoucauld tells us, "If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere."
We have designed a series of workshops around the D.A.R.E. theme (read about them on our website www.daretoaffim.com ). At the heart of all of them are the Ten Basic Elements of Relationship Buildilng. When I go out and about and 'become" The Photo Schmoozer, I have come to realize that I am building a relationship with another person. I know that DARE to AFFIRM is the philosophy that guides me. Photo Schmoozer is my special way of putting it all into action. I struggled with which one was 'more important' to me and came to realize that it is not an either choice, but a relationship in iteself. We have created the Ten Elements of Relationship Building. As the weeks go by, I will write about each of them. The first one is TRUST. Many of you know the psychologist, Erik Erikson. He tells us that the infant must learn to trust her world or she will live with mistrust the rest of her days. It is how relationships begin. Some people trust others right away; others say a person must earn trust.
It must be managed carefully. I think the simplest way to do this is to be trustworthy!! If you always do what you say you are going to do, it makes your behavior predictable and I can feel safe around you.
There are many ways to build Trust. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Do no harm and demonstrate that you care about people.
2. Always keep your promises.
3. Always tell the truth and actively maintain your reputation for integrity.
Our society teaches us to be unique, independent individuals. Sometimes, that might work. Sometimes, we need to focus more on being interdependent. As the saying goes, "We may not have it all together; but together we have it all." We talk about our strengths and recognizing other's strengths. Recognizing, respecting and valuing others is a way to be more effective in reaching goals that work for all of us. It is the best way to be responsive and dance through life!!
In the weeks that follow, we will share the other elements of relationship building. Until then, look at youself and your relationships and see how you make trust work for you!!

We ALL Wear Many Hats...

We recently spent three entire days with an infant/toddler staff in Somerset, NJ.
It was a treasure, a pleasure and a challenge. We all learned and grew. We go as facilitators, knowing that we bring a "plan", ideas, acitivities and materials and also knowing that we have to be incredible listeners - open to responding to the cues that come from the participants. See, once again, this is a Parallel Process and we have to "dance" - not only to our own tune, but to the music that comes from the group.
We talked about quality and then needed everyone to really think about ALL of the roles they played - both in the child care program - and in their lives. What fun they all had making and modeling hats (we had a fashion show when we were finished) to show who they were and how they were important...and unique.
We all spent time in their classrooms, learned about the ITERS, and ended up our time together with some action steps for continuous growth. These six individuals came together and began forming as a team. They had not had the opportunity to do this, so we were glad that not only did we get to know them, but they got to begin knowing and understanding each other more.
Everyone caught everyone else doing some things right and for that we are thankful!!

Who are YOU? What do YOU Believe?

LEARNING WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU BELIEVE TAKES TIME, PATIENCE & GOING WITHIN TO LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!!

REFLECT; BE STILL; GO WITHIN; RESPECT; TRUST; LISTEN; AFFIRM

"Every single adult, whether conscious of it or not, has an overarching theory that drives hiw or her childrearing practices. This organizing - or "meta" theory greatly influences how each of us relates to and cares for children". J.R. Lally, Concepts for Care, West Ed, (c) 2006

When you were young, you developed relationships with your parents and other family members. They influenced who you were and what you believed. Then you went to school and learned from your peers and teachers more about who you were in the bigger world and were told what you were to believe. Hopefully by this point in your life and professional development, you have taken all of this information and put it together to create your own ideas!! This is NOT about only sharing the words that you have learned from others, but it is about YOU and your own personal beliefs. Take a minute and reflect on these questions:

What do you know about how the young children in your care grow & develop?

What do you believe about how they must be treated for them to grow into healthy individuals with a strong sense of identity?

How do you use these beliefs to build relationships and dance with children & adults in your life?

When Allison and I do training we work not only to present information but to CREATE AN UNDERSTANDING OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHY YOU DO WHAT YOU DO. YOU, the caregiving adult, are at the heart of quality care and we choose to always respect, affirm, value and nurture YOU. Do you take the time to do that for yourself??

Spanish...French...English

Outside of Borders in Stanton, DE, carrying books to show to anyone who would listen, was the cutest two year old you would want to see. He was dressed in a NY Yankees outfit, complete with buttons that looked like baseballs. His shoes has velcro closures and these too were like the binding on the seams of the baseball. I couldn't help but notice him. "Hey good looking," I said to him. He immediately began to point to the buttons on his outfit and talk to me in a language that only he could understand. I responded to what I thought he might be saying and he continued. My first instinct was to be concerned that his language expression was anything but clear. His mom was standing nearby, and she explained so much to me. It made me realize that we often see or hear and jump to conclusions. What is the truth is this. In the home they speak Spanish and French to the little guy and some English as well. He can jump back and forth between them all often using words from any of the 3 languages. She said he was speaking "Spanglish" to me. When I realized that, I said a few words to him in Spanish. It was about Mickey, Minnie and Goofy on the cover of the book he was carrying. We immediately began to understand each other in Spanish and his language was clearly understandable. I asked his mom if she was at home with him or if he attended child care. I was curious what his language would be like in that situation and how everyone communicated. No, she was a stay at home mom, lucky to be with him. So, I saw a first hand demonstration of what I mostly read - young children and their dual language learning. I read that if one parent speaks in one language and the other parent in the other language, the child will understand and speak both. Yes, it is true from first hand exprience.
I write this today to recognize the lesson I learned about not "assuming" and also about the comfort and openness of his mom as she talked with me about her son and what he was doing. All it takes is an opening statement, affirmations and time to listen.

Theresa the Collaborator

Meet Theresa Caputo and see her many faces!! Behind them all is a heart of gold, a wisdom and understanding that can only come from years of experiences, and a sharing and giving spirit that is her gentle nature. Yesterday we met for lunch at The Painted Cottage in Collingswood, NJ. The outdoor setting was perfect for a "chat and chew". There was quiet conversation all around, light shining "just right" on the plants and a listening presence - a give and take - and true communication. What I saw as I watched and listened, was an individual who is insightful and thoughtful AND a person with a dancing creative spirit that permeates her way of being. It is almost like you can sit and watch the breezes flowing in her mind as she visualizes what she is listening to. It is a treasure and a pleasure to be with her. Theresa is working with Professional Impact New Jersey. Within this organization, she has many opportunities to be the diplomat and collaborator that defines who she is. She creates programs and then finds the perfect people and places to make them happen. The early childhood field is lucky to have Theresa there as an advocate for change.
Today I choose to present her and affirm and value all that she does for the world!! Thank you Theresa!! You are a joy!!

Always Remember...Affirm and Value YOURSELF! as well as Others!

Often we are so busy spending our time affirming, valuing and empowering people in our workshops that we forget to acknowledge ourselves!! I wanted to stop for a minute and reflect on what Allison and I are doing with DARE to AFFIRM and to acknowledge ourselves and our work. We have FUN!! Participants have FUN! Everyone is engaged and our training is interactive. Someone said the other day that we are like "an old married couple" - whatever that means. We role model how we want others to dance. We are always recognizing and reading each other's cues - getting our steps moving to the same music. Sometimes it works incredibly well. Sometimes it is a challenge. No matter what, we are out there, we are together, and we are empowering people. As we guide others to recognize their strengths and hot spots, so do we continue to grow ourselves.
Yeah for US!! YEAH for all who dance with us...and welcome to all of those yet to come.
We love catching people...and ourselves...doing something right!
My point?? In your days filled with "busyness", "crazies" and those who might be less than kind, always remember to stop and BREATHE.
Another lesson...
Q.T.I.P.: Quit Taking It Personally!

Strengths, Affirmations & Experiences

Everyone has STRENGTHS though we don't always know them or acknowledge them. This week DARE to AFFIRM spent an outstanding, thoughtful and FUN day with the staff from the Early Head Start program at Children's Hospital, Philadelphia. Everything we thought about brought us back to the focus of the Dance of Relationships. In the center of this collage are colorful bags. We call these affirmation bags. Rather than ask a person to introduce herself by name and where she works, we choose to take a different approach. Everyone is asked to choose a bag and draw some pictures that represent things about themselves and their lives. Then on the other side, they are asked to write at least three strengths that they bring to work with them and use in their daily lives. Their introduction shares one thing about themselves and a strength. It is the beginning of the day's journey of self-discovery. There are more discussions about strengths and then an unusual task. There are bags and baskets of beads - wooden, foam, plastic of every color. There are also brightly colored shoe laces. The task: make a Life Necklace with the beads that shares your story about where your strengths come from. This group was thoughtful, open and honest. Strengths came from within, family, church, God, nature, the deaths of loved one or other life experiences. No two stories were the same. Many commented that they learned more about their friends and colleagues than they had every known by "being busy" at work and passing in the hall. It was time to stop, be still, reflect and open up communications.
One lesson learned: what was begun today must be taken back to the program. It is up to no one person to carry this forward, but it is the responsibility of a group of unique individuals to be receptive to each other - strengths, challenges and gifts. We know that everyone has caught each other doing something right, and the affirmations will continue as they are guided to strengthen the program.

Felisburto Lights Up His World!!

When I walked into the Paulsboro Head Start program, I could feel an energy there that was different from what I remembered - and it felt good!! I soon realized what it was, or maybe I need to say WHO it was. There is an individual there who shines a light as he opens up to accept and affirm all of the staff and the children in the program. It is exciting to see how he cares for those with whom he works, and even more exciting to see how they respond to him! I asked him what might make the difference with him and how he is. Here is what he said: "Martie, I believe that there is good in every person. I look for it and I see it!" Oh my goodness. Felisburto catches them all doing something right. We went on an adventure together through the center, visiting the classes where the children and the teachers were engaged. The language they used was expansive and caring. There was spontaneous learning taking place throughout the center. One might say it was summer and everything was more "laid back" and maybe that had something to do with it all, but there was more. Ms. Susie, the family worker in the program almost "forever" shared that when people come in looking for good things to be happening, they can find it.

Thanks to all of the children and staff who welcomed me and made my "short" visit keep going. I kept saying, "I have to leave". Finally, I did but looking forward to the next visit we have scheduled in a few weeks.

Marian Dances her way through life!!

Marian is a wonder and a joy and is dancing her way through life! I met her at the Cumberland County Fair as we were walking to see the animals. First I saw the welcoming greeting of her face and the I noticed the ribbon on her chest. I had to know about it and decided to ask. What does it mean? She has been in 4-H for just about 60 years! Amazing! She had stories to tell and I wished I had my handy little notebook with me for recording them. For now, I have to rely on my memory. As a young girl, she began, as many of us do who were involved with 4-H, with cooking and sewing. She baked the cookies and pies and made the aprons and skirts. She had her gardens with vegetables and flowers and then she discovered DANCE. Dance is how Marian has been moving through life for oh so many years now. She was the leader for many clogging groups because music just brings you alive. Now, she no longer dances, but has passed along the tradition to her children and grandchildren. Her granddaughter is the "leader" of the 4-H clogging group now, but Marian is right there with her since they need an adult leader present. Maybe she can't move the body as she used to, but the mind is active and she shares her skills through her words. She only lives a few miles from the Fairgrounds and can just about zip over in her wheelchair.
I know that had we taken more time, there were so many more stories to share. Thanks Marian for all you have done, and continue to do, to add joy and delight to the lives of so many youngester and oldsters. You are a wonder.

QUIET JOY!!!!!

Today I learned a lesson!! I learned that JOY can be quiet...quiet joy...and tears don't always have to be ones of sadness...they too can be tears of joy.
This morning I went out to sit in the garden and watch the bees on the liatris. Their beautiful spikes - growing like weeds in the garden - are a gift. Then I looked over to the milkweed and saw it in every stage of its growth, except for the seed pod that throws off the beautiful skilky seeds. That too will come a bit later...with patience all things come.
After all of this, and watching some kind of red beetles mating on the milkweed, I walked to the back and looked at the one sunflower standing alone, strong, straight and proud. The light was shining on it just so...and I received this image. I call it Tuesday's Treasure and wish you all a HAPPY JULY. All of you, and my friends on http://www.flickr.com/ (I am daretoaffirm) have been warm and accepting and affirming...yet today I AM SATISFIED with the picture in all of its glory even if no one else comments on it!!
I needed to share these lessons with all of you...and with Bill. He is often happy, but his joy and happiness are expressed and felt in quiet ways. when I need to OH WOW the joy, maybe I am disappointed when it is not there and maybe, just maybe I need to be still and present and respect the QUIET JOY.
This is a major growth event for me - a step ahead in the dance of the relationships and adventures of my life. Thanks for listening. It is my wish that you too discover the QUIET JOY that can give your life balance.

On the Road Again!! Dancing with Susan...

The Dance of Relationships is never ending! We all have ENERGY and we all like to have FUN!! Just thought this was a cute way to remind you all of this. What are you doing to dance your way through life?? Hope it is summer fun...safe travel, lots of enjoying nature, and just spending time hanging out with friends. I am off to Albany, NY to spend a few days with my dear friend/colleague Susan Perkins. We are planning to do lots of fun stuff - walks, concerts, and also talk about the layout for the SHOE book!! What?? You haven't heard about it yet?? It's in the works...all about the journey to self discovery and self acceptance as we dance our way through life and relationship building. The fun part will be that the main character is a PAIR OF SHOES and her journey/adventures to learn about herself through relationship buildling!!
Friend Amanda from New Zealand says it needs to be small enough to fit in the purse so that when you are out and about and need a reminder ...just pull out the book and have a look!! More to come when I get back from this adventure on the journey of life. Tah Tah for now!!

He Got It!! Jammin' Together

Perry and Bill Learning and Sharing!!
On a warm Saturday in late June, Bill and I went to the South Shores Music festival at the Cumberland county, NJ, fairgrounds. Since Bill loves his music and has been learning to play the harmonica, he put some of them in his backpack to take along. Since he's not one to play in front of others, he knew he could find a quiet place off to a side and just play along. Today was different!! The fourth group to come on - Home Made JamZ - was incredible. There was Papa Perry (in the pictures above and playing the harmonica), Ryan (16) on the guitar, Kyle (13) on the bass and Taya (9!!!) on the drums. They are billed as the youngest blues band, have made CDs and are on tour. Talking to their Dad, Perry, and their Mom, Trish, is a blessing. They are home schooling the three and just give them guidance and allow them to BE! It shows - and Trish says they are also "typical" siblings, squabbling as they travel to concert dates.
Back to Bill....he was standing with Perry and a few others when I came over and started talking too. I shared that Bill played the "harp" and before I knew it, Perry had lifted the fence to the performers area and he and Bill spent half an hour talking and playing and sharing. Bill wanted to know how to "bend" the notes, and with practice and Perry's watching and guiding, well, HE GOT IT!! You can see the look on both of their faces. So proud and excited!
Later, sitting at a picnic table, Bill took out his harmonica and played along with the music. Another musician was standing nearby and came over to tell Bill how good his playing sounded! What an amazing day - what a day full of kindness and affirmations. What a reinforcement about the goodness of people!
Reach out...share...talk...listen...and you just don't know what stories and lessons will come your way.

Meet Taya Perry: 9 and an Incredible Drummer!!

Lazy Hazy Days of Summer!! Be JOYFUL!!

What an incredible view! Recently I was in Woodstown,NJ to meet friend for lunch at Beans Coffee Shop - a treat in itself! Since the day was spectacular, I decided to arrive early and just sit outside and see...reflect on life, the gifts we are given, and just the simplicity and beauty of it all. Today was a JOY. Beans had several tables and brightly colored umbrellas out front. I sat and watched the clouds, the people and everything all around me. I didn't want to miss a single gift I was receiving!! Rather than just looking out and about, somehow I had the thought to look UP. WOW. The rainbow of colors and designs from the umbrella - looking at it from underneath rather than straight on from afar was eye popping! It just made me want to get up and dance!! No, I restrained myself. Then I turned and looked at the reflections in the windows...all of the little squares with circles within. The guy without the shirt...just staying cool in the summer heat. Then I looked across the street to the local grocery/newstand and saw the person I decided to call the "unofficial mayor of Woodstown". He had on the coolest blue and white "dancing" shoes and I watched as he greeted everyone who passed by. I found out that he is often there and is known and knows everyone!! What a spirit of life. The final joy of the moment - of course, before JoAnne arrived - was to look on the table and see the reflections in my sunglasses. Too cool!! Since I have been so engaged in photography, I have become much more aware of colors, true, but even more, I am aware of how many reflections there are everywhere. It gives me pause - has slowed me down, and allows me to reflect on life in all of its glory.
Do you take the time to stop, be still and reflect!?! It is a gift we are all given if we just open the box of the "precious present" and accept. Try it...somehow it fits with the slower days of summer.

Eyes: Windows of the Soul

When I first meeet a person, it is his or her eyes that stand out to me. Do you notice these? I can tell so much:

• I can see an essence that describes what is going on inside...
• I can see if this is an open and communicative person who looks you right in the eye...
• I can see if this is a person to be trusted...
• I can see joy or sadness...
• I can see a sense of confidence...or not
• I can sense a willingness ...
• I can meet a new friend...

The assignment in the photography class was a portrait with natural light. Once I saw Beth's eyes - the top left picture in the collage, I had a focus for myself for the evening. Being the individual that I am, I followed my path and looked into the eyes of those in the group.

What do you see? Do you look at people's eyes? Can you learn from what you see? If you never have, try it. It can be pretty amazing.