Discoveries for a New Year!!

I have been struggling a lot this year trying to decide where to focus my energies with the blog/s I write - though inconsistently. How to make a choice and what to do was my dilemma until today. What happened? The other day, I was spending time with my new friend Peggy - personally and professionally. We are working on a project and getting to know one another. WE have discovered that we are in each other's lives for blessings and lessons. For me, I decided a few days earlier to focus on people and their hands - expressions of their individuality. When I saw Peggy take out the lotion to soften her hands, it came clear. Here is my new project and DARE to AFFIRM and PHOTO SCHMOOZER are NOT two separate entities!! See, DARE to AFFIRM is what I totally believe about people and the dance of relationships - valuing and affirming them and "catching them doing something right" and PHOTO SCHMOOZER is the person who makes it happen. What an AHA moment. So this is to say that from now on, my blog will be http://photoschmoozer.blogspot.com and I won't write any more on this one! Phew - what a relief. Come visit.

BREA AFFIRMS...and nourishes the world!!

I write another blog besides this one http://photoschmoozer.blogspot.com/

in addition to a very basic web-site www.daretoaffirm.com

In that I talk about TAKING EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO CONNECT WITH PEOPLE, LEARN THEIR STORIES AND CATCH THEM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. Every day I make a new friend because I decide to be friendly, make people feel good and talk to them about something I like about them and/or what they do!!
In my town, I am bringing a new energy and it is represented by affirmations and DRUMMING. See Photoschmoozer soon for drumming stories!!

When Brea Marsh first wrote, I could have said, "Gee thanks" BUT something told me that I needed to get much more involved with her and send the pins to her 6th graders. That I did and here is her response!! We will continue to publish letters from Brea and hopefully from her kids too here. Stay tuned!!!

Remember people will NOT remember what you did or what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel!! This is a total win-win situation for all of us!!

Brea writes...

I wanted to thank you for the pins! The kids love them, and I have other kids coming from all over campus saying Mrs. Marsh, what does that pin stand for? My class periods were going crazy because they had to wait to get theirs! :) Well, I am writing an article that will be published for Hoofprints, Manorisd's website newsletter. I wanted to make sure it is okay that I mention your website, and show your pins. Let me know if this is okay. I will also put a link for the blog if that's okay.
How could I say no?!?!? Of course, we will look forward to Brea's article in Hoofprints soon.
Brea Marsh, MS
DMS Language Arts,Team 6-1
brea.davis@manorisd.net
"Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body."~Joseph Addison

Dear Dr. Mollenhauer,

My name is Brea Marsh and I'm a 6th grade teacher in Austin, TX. This summer, my school took part in a training called "Capturing Kids Hearts". As part of the training, we made little bags that we decorated with our names and our co-workers (veteran staff & new) could write affirmations to us and put them into the bags. I was thinking about how great it was to take the bag home at the end of the week and see what my co-workers had to say about me-what they saw in me. SO-I decided that I would do WEEKLY affirmations in my classes this year. Students are encourage to not only affirm each other with their mouths, but also write notes throughout the week to students to affirm each other. The students have "mail boxes" at the back of the classroom, and I put the notes once they are turned into me in their mail boxes, and on Fridays they can take their affirmations home to read and see what their classmates have said about them. We talk as a class about how it is really easy to say negative words, but not always positive ones to each other & that this it one an affirmation is, lifting someone up. The students love it, and so do the parents-and they get to practice their writing (what can I say, I'm an English teacher).Brea Marsh, brea.davis@manorisd.net

Thanks for sharing your story Brea!! As a special thank you, we are sending you an affirmation safety pin for each one of your students. Hopefully you will send us some pictures of your student's bags and maybe a story from them to post on the blog!! We AFFIRM YOU for capturing the idea and running with it!!

Martie

Looking Back...Moving Forward...Lessons Learned

In 1985 I was working for Family Tree, a family child care network that was a division of Archway Programs in Atco. In my Director's role, I recruited and trained those who chose to do child care in their homes. I also met with families who were looking for child care and sent them to the provider's homes. We made matches that worked for everyone. So why am I sharing this history with you now? It is a look into the past that came to light again this week in the present and from which I learned some valuable lessons that affirmed my value and the relationships that are built and can be enduring.
The picture at the top? Only a connection to the story in a vague way - and let's call it Literacy. Of course it is with a young one reading a book!! I got my latest edition of a journal, Young Children, from the National Association for the Education of Young Children. AS I glanced through the table of contents, I recognized a name and when I turned to the article, it was my former colleague who was one of the coauthors! What a sense of pride I felt to see how she had grown and changed and how much she had accomplished in the years since we first met. Her name is Cindy Becker and she teaches (again for an Archway Program - how ironic) and coauthored an article on Dual Language Learning. I wrote to the email address and we connected. Then we were going to listen to a singer songwriter at a coffee house near her and she and the provider I introduced her to, were to meet me there after they went to a movie. We went, they came and we talked. What is the lesson learned from it all? For me, it was twofold:
1. I had known that Cindy and Bette would hit it off and sent her there for child care. Twenty years later, their lives parallel in many ways and they are still best of friends.
2. I learned that I was a direct link to Bette's getting a job as a teacher in the public school system. Did I remember? Not necessarily so, but she did!
I would close this by affirming both Cindy Becker and Bette Newsham for their successes, their relationships and for keeping their light for children and families shining.
I would also close with a message to me - the person who always wonders if she 'does enough'. You never know what impact you have on a person's life, so engage in the dance, value them and always look for their strengths. Lesson learned.

"Touchis" are Friend Makers

I would bet that some of you are "old enough" to remember when Alvin Freed created Warm Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies oh so many years ago?? They were the cutest orange pom poms with eyes that moved about and feelers too - well, I call them feelers and they were meant to make you feel GOOD! The warm fuzzies made Frozs (non sexist frogs) turn back into Prinzs (non sexist prince and princesses) after the 'mean' people made them feel less than ok. Thus his book..."I'm OK. You're OK".
Since he created them, for DARE to AFFIRM, we have "Touchis". They are a play on words - get it? Touch is and 'touchis'. Since we are all about responsive respectful relationships, it is only natural to give these to folks who come to spend time with us to thank them, affirm them, and remind them to catch someone doing something right.
Years ago (more than 10!!) when I started working at a Head Start program, I did a training for the bus drivers and other support staff. Why do I bring this up now??? Well, there was this 20 year old young man in the group - he made deliveries for the agency. At the end of the workshop, he got a light blue 'fuzzie'and for two years, kept it in his pocket and played with it when he felt 'frozzie'. I left but who knows if he still had it longer?
See, you never know what effect your words or actions have on someone, so pay attention, watch how you relate and spread the goodness that makes the world still a special place.
This picture with the two yellow touchis? Still giving them out and spreading the word. After all, isn't this all about DARE to AFFIRM? This time it was at Read Aloud Delaware conference on Saturday. Great day; great attendance and soon, I will introduce you to a special person - our hostess Denise.

The Leader of the Team

It's the most special thing to have utmost confidence in the person who is going to cut up your body and make repairs to it. When I first met Dr. Joe Daniel, he was there to care from the beginning. He is thorough, takes time to explain and look at pictures together and always says "If you were my sister, here is what I would advise!" Yesterday was no different. I was anxious to see how the healing from the surgery was going and we discovered together that it was going well. Personally, I thought it was gross looking and wondered, but since he was pleased, well...that' s what it takes. So without a doubt, if you ever need to have someone care for your foot/ankle (and he specializes in diabetes foot problems) go to UMDNJ and meet Dr. Daniel. I did and don't have a moment of regret - ok, maybe some pain now, but no regret. I value him!! It certainly doesn't hurt that he tells me I am an 'interesting' woman!! Now does that mean ME or the foot?!?

Take My Hand and I Will Guide YOU!!

Today is my Mother's birthday and soon the anniversary of her death. I remember her...but more than that, today I want to honor everyone who is a parent or works with very young children to guide their lives. ALWAYS know that YOU are important in their lives. See, we don't know the impact we have on a young one's life. Something we do or say might affect them and will be remembered...or applied...later. That's not the important thing. What is 'perfect' is that we are there for the children; we are there to laugh and play and hug and DANCE. Yes, dance with them as we develop the relationships. Sometimes we just watch and listen...sometimes we lead, but we are always partners. As we begin the New Year of 2009, let us continue to make the very young our priority. We know so much more about them now - how they learn, what affects and influences them...and how important we are to them. Peace and blessings to all.

A Giant Treasure in My Life!!

Sometimes we take things for granted, and then there are times when something happens and we learn all over again to appreciate what is near and dear to our heart. See, this is all about affirming people and catching them doing something right?!? On 12/12 I had surgery on my foot. It has been an experience - a lesson in patience and healing, and a time to learn to let others nurture me - the nurturer!! I came home with crutches - and put them aside after a terrible fall five minutes into the house. This guy went to Good Will and found me a walker! He loves to find treasures there. Then he has been fixing meals and bringing them up to me. He is learning how to make all kinds of things and have them ready at about the 'right' time to serve everything together. He has been good spirited, caring and concerned. Then when I thought the walker might be ready to be set aside, well Thrift Village had a cane with feet!! This has been a gradual healing and a giant lesson in patience. If it weren't for my Billy - my husband of 37 years, this would have been even a bigger challenge than it might have been. So, my DARE to AFFIRM today is a GIANT THANK YOU to my gentle spirited husband!! And my message to all of you is to understand that it is ok to trust your care to another, have gratitude for the little things, and count every blessing that comes your way. Happy New Year to all of my friends!!

Reflect on This

Thanks to Paul Zollo, a Flickr photo friend who often posts pictures of amazing people who have stories to share, though they don't often know it. When Paul put one on the web tonight, he had a story with this quote. I just wanted to share it because it is so 'dare to affirmish'
He was writing about a guy with a very 'strong' presence, who was also small in stature. didn't matter...and this is what he said...

I could see how personal presence is not determined by size but by spirit and confidence, and I took this.

It is a lesson for all of us. It is our way of presenting ourselves, our personal presence, that makes all the difference in the world!!

It's How It Makes Us Feel!!

Writing in yellow today because this is a 'bright sunshiny' thought!! I had to share an experience that happened to me the other day. No need to say where or when, just that it was 'good'. Remember we are always saying that it is not what you say but how you make the person feel that is important? Well, we were at an event with a group of people, all known to us. Today for some reason, there was more of a conversation flow and overall, a pleasant atmosphere - 'guests' in someone's house. Just as we were leaving, I was saying good-bye and I heard this comment, quietly directed at me, "I really like how your hair looks!" Now you might think this was not a big deal. Trust me, it was and it was happening to me and it did do a lot to make me feel good - noticed - affirmed - and brought a peaceful ending to the day! I was affirmed as I do unto others, and it felt good!!

Affirming INDIVIDUALITY and AUTHENTICITY

Yesterday we visited our niece at Goucher College in Towson, Maryland. Walking around campus, I was intrigued by the students and their dress. One of the special adventures of higher education, especially at small private colleges, is the journey to discovering self. The young adult is away from home and learning the responsibilities that independence and thinking on her own can bring, can shed who she was and become whoever she chooses to be!! It's a time to truly get comfortable in her skin and know her unique individuality. When we talk about the ten elements of relationship building, Authenticity is one of the factors. It's all about being genuine.
In her book, Life Lessons, Elisabeth Kubler Ross talks about authenticity. "Deep inside of us, we know there is someone we were meant to be. And we can feel when we're becoming that person. We seek to discover who we are and how we can become truly happy. We were put here on earth to learn our own lessons."
Today I choose to affirm Aileen, a junior at Goucher College, who dares to affirm the individual she is and live an authentic life. When I showed a European friend these pictures, he wanted to know if she was dressed for a festival? I said that no, she was dressed for her life for the day and loving every minute of it.
Now, I am thinking about that bag of ties upstairs in my 'project' closet. Hmmmmm.
My message to you...it is important to BE who you are meant to be, express yourself as the unique individual you are, and live life to the fullest. Remember, TODAY is the gift of the precious present!

Gil & Curtis Sail the Seas

His hat is soooooooo the opposite of everything that Gil is! We went sailing on the AJ Meerwald out of Bi-Valve, NJ for a six hour cruise on the Delaware Bay the other day. The day was one that we would have to call 'perfect' - clear, sunny, the right temperatures and the excitement of the expectations of what we might see or do while out on the quiet of the Bay. For one thing, we knew we would be seeing lighthouses that could not be seen from land! Great expectations. For me, as The Photo Schmoozer who likes to 'catch people doing something right', there is always yet another expectation though. I wonder who I will meet and what stories they will have to share. Today was no exception!! Well, ok I admit that I can find stories everyday!! As we were waiting to get on the boat, I saw three people sitting on the bench on the dock. Later, I happened to be sitting next to the female of the group - she had forgotten her seasick medicine so we were just being still together. Soon, she was joined by Gil, her fiance, and Curtis, Gil's little brother from the Big Brothers program. It's Gil I want to affirm because he is so opposite of the hat he was wearing - see the saying on the collage?? "The beatings will continue until morale improves". No way was that him!! First, I have to say, I watched him with Curtis and you could see a caring connection between the two. Turns out they have a 5 year history together. When Gil comes aboard the AJ Meerwald as a volunteer, Curtis is right there with him, working by his side hoisting the sails, taking pictures, or snoozing on the deck!
As we talked, I asked Gil what he did. He shared that he is Executive Director of a Community Health Care agency in South Jersey. I was wearing my DARE to AFFIRM shirt, so we talked about what that was and then Gil began to share his philosophies as the leader of his program. The first thing I have to share is THAT HE REALLY LISTENS!! People talk about an 'open door policy', but his truly is. He goes to staff meetings, meets with all of his managers weekly, and nips problems in the bud by encouraing everyone to be involved in solving them together. I asked if he had always been such an affirming individual? He didn't answer right away, but after reflection, we came together a bit later for another conversation. His experiences in Peace Corp and his degree in Cultural Anthropology plus the wisdom he has gained from life, are some of the other puzzle pieces that make Gil open to people, cultures, values and beliefs. He respects them and in turn, engenders so much respect from all of the employees at the 20+ clinics that serve the working poor. He is amazing; his staff recognize him as such, and his fiance', Betty, loves to spend her time validating him as well! I learned almost as much from her as from him!! Yes, we saw the lighthouses and I came home with some photographs of them, but the experience of meeting Gil, Curtis and Betty was a special event of the cruise.

Play With Me Daddy!!

On a beautiful afternoon, we went to sit by the river, enjoy the beautiful day and just BE. One of my favorite things to do at these times is watch the children and their parents, watch how they 'dance', watch their interactions. Today was no different. This pair was a joy and a treat and 'candy' for my eyes. He was responsive, respectful and allowed her to take the lead with his careful guidance. When I went to say "Hi" - often a treat for me, she hid her face and turned away from me. Dad said, "She is not feeling well today." OK, I respected that and walked away, to watch them from afar. They sat on the bench to snuggle, then wandered down to the river for a change of pace. He was right there, yet allowed her to pick up the stones and throw them into the water. (Gosh, no one I see on the beach at the river - a beach with lots of pebbles - does not throw them into the water. Fascinating.) When she was tired and clung to his leg, he picked her up and quietly talked with her. When she wanted down, he did so and was close by when she wanted to cling to his leg. He watched her, asked what she wanted and adapted his behaviors to make her most secure in her world. He was responsive and she was trusting. Beautiful. At the end of our visit, I asked him if he realized what a great dad he was. He looked at me and grinned! He knew. I definitely caught him doing something right!! YEAH!!

Ten Elements of Relationship Building

"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges."
This photo I took causes me to pause and reflect about the relationship of the two in the picture and what lies ahead for them as they walk the path of life.
In so much of the work we do with DARE to AFFIRM, we have come to discover that at the heart of living is Relationship Building. When I read books about 'aging well', those who live to be 100+ wake up in the morning with a purpose and look forward to spending time with friends, family & self.
We also know this truth and wisdom : "Have no friends not equal to yourself". We seek to internalize what Francoise de la Rochefoucauld tells us, "If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere."
We have designed a series of workshops around the D.A.R.E. theme (read about them on our website www.daretoaffim.com ). At the heart of all of them are the Ten Basic Elements of Relationship Buildilng. When I go out and about and 'become" The Photo Schmoozer, I have come to realize that I am building a relationship with another person. I know that DARE to AFFIRM is the philosophy that guides me. Photo Schmoozer is my special way of putting it all into action. I struggled with which one was 'more important' to me and came to realize that it is not an either choice, but a relationship in iteself. We have created the Ten Elements of Relationship Building. As the weeks go by, I will write about each of them. The first one is TRUST. Many of you know the psychologist, Erik Erikson. He tells us that the infant must learn to trust her world or she will live with mistrust the rest of her days. It is how relationships begin. Some people trust others right away; others say a person must earn trust.
It must be managed carefully. I think the simplest way to do this is to be trustworthy!! If you always do what you say you are going to do, it makes your behavior predictable and I can feel safe around you.
There are many ways to build Trust. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Do no harm and demonstrate that you care about people.
2. Always keep your promises.
3. Always tell the truth and actively maintain your reputation for integrity.
Our society teaches us to be unique, independent individuals. Sometimes, that might work. Sometimes, we need to focus more on being interdependent. As the saying goes, "We may not have it all together; but together we have it all." We talk about our strengths and recognizing other's strengths. Recognizing, respecting and valuing others is a way to be more effective in reaching goals that work for all of us. It is the best way to be responsive and dance through life!!
In the weeks that follow, we will share the other elements of relationship building. Until then, look at youself and your relationships and see how you make trust work for you!!